The Taboo

Written by Alli

Shortly after we moved into our home and had been trying to conceive for awhile,  I was visited by some women from my church.  We didn't know each other that well, so as we were talking, they asked if I had children.  I told them not yet (this had begun to be my standard answer).  Then one of the ladies asked me, "Is that by choice or because you can't?"  I was shocked.  Both of those questions were offensive to me since if I said it was by choice, I felt they would be judging me and if I said I couldn't, that was a very personal subject that I didn't feel comfortable discussing with some women I had just met.  As I was soon to find out, this question was relatively tame compared to what would happen once we told people we were going to adopt.

Once the word adopt was out there for everyone to know, it was like a license for people to say whatever they wanted to us.  Nothing was Taboo anymore.  Nothing.  When we told our family we were adopting, the first thing some of them said was, I could never give away one of my babies.  While this was hurtful, it was still at the beginning of the process, so we took some time to educate them on proper adoption language (placed vs. give up, expectant mom vs. birth mom, etc) and not let it hurt  us too bad.  However, as the time got closer, more and more people asked us if we were afraid the expectant mom was going to "change her mind" and keep the baby.  I got more and more frustrated.  What if I asked you when you were 32 weeks pregnant if you thought you were going to miscarry?  Can you imagine the look on people's faces?  Taboo.  You DO NOT ask a pregnant woman if she fears she will miscarry.  However, it was perfectly "acceptable" for them to ask us our most unspoken fear.  Of course we were nervous the expectant mom would choose to parent.  But that was her decision to make.  Please, please do not ask an adoptive mom that question, especially if it is at a celebration for the soon to be mom at say a baby shower.  This question again seemed tame once we had our son and were home showing him to our family.

We were showing off our 2 week old baby to our family and friends, and it was shocking to me the the number of people that said, "I don't know how she could ever have given him away".  Please, please do not say this to an adoptive mom that is FINALLY holding her very much wanted new born baby.  I was relishing in the joy and happiness of this little miracle and I thought my family and friends would too.  I was confused why anyone would say that.  Were they not aware that had our wonderful, beautiful birth mom not chosen to "give him away", I wouldn't be a mother at this very instant?  And don't even get me started on the phrase, "give him away".  This is not a possession she didn't want any more.  This is a human being, a person she loves very much and very lovingly placed in our arms.  This was a decision that took her many months of prayer and thought and she didn't choose to tell us until she knew this was her decision.  It wasn't a split second decision or in a moment of weakness.  This was a decision that was made out of strength.

But the one that still kills me most of all, is what happened a couple weeks ago.  We had just gotten back from a wonderful weekend with our son's birth mom.  It was incredible.  As I was telling my family about the trip, one phrase kept coming up, "I'll bet she wishes she kept him".  It's a good thing the first time I heard that, I was on the phone, because I had a hard time keeping the tears away.  The next time, I was still shocked, but at least I was able to hide my feelings.  Now, I can't speak  for Carter's birth mom, but she has mentioned on several occasions that she is so happy we are Carter's parents.  So each time someone would say this, I would explain to them how she was happy she placed him with us, how she knows he was meant to be in our family, and how she has been sure about her decision from the start.  I know they haven't had the confirmation we've had and they don't understand our connection and they aren't aware of the many miracles that led us to each other (maybe I'll share those one day).  But it still hurts.  A LOT.  By asking that question, you are saying that the most wonderful thing in our lives is the biggest regret in hers.

In all the above instances, I know none of those people were saying those things to be hurtful.  I know they all love and care for me.  But, if you know someone who has adopted, or someone that has placed, please, please do not take that as a license to throw all manners out the window and approach any topic you think is "acceptable".  Please think for one second if that question or statement could possibly be Taboo.

Since I only touched on a few of the adoption terms that shouldn't be said, the following video sums up the rest of the terms perfectly.  It's a hilarious watch and worth every second.